Dear God,
I have to admit, I have been mad at you. I have been carrying this anger toward you around for a long time and it is one major issue I have been in denial about. When I was talking with my friend the other day and she admitted struggling with being angry with you, I was immediately convicted by your gentle spirit.
I heard you say to my heart, “Rhonda, I want you to come to me and resolve this and be reconciled to me because I love you fiercely. Tell me why you are so angry, I can handle it. Lay it at my feet.”So I went home and I wrote down the reasons why I am mad at you God. In prayer,the following reasons were revealed to me:
1. Having Parents that did not teach me the right way to live. The kind of parents that would point me to you when I was young and impressionable.
2. My children being abused by her father.
3. My own experience with childhood sexual abuse.
4.My knee injury.
5. Graduating with a Masters in Counseling and not having a job in that field.
6. Having to witness violence in my family of origin more times than I can count.
My questions to you are: Where were you when I was a little girl and all of that was happening? Do you have a specific purpose in mind to allow me to not have my parents or to have ones that did not protect me or take care of me properly? I feel as though you have been silent and distant, however; you know how I feel, but I am telling you anyway. I am coming to you and laying all of this at your feet Jesus because you can handle it as you said. After being honest with you about how I feel, I know that you have felt distant from me because I have made myself distant from you due to my anger toward you.
Lord Jesus, I do not want to be bitter toward you or anyone. I know you cannot be blamed for everything because people (including me) do make choices. But I do feel bitterness growing in my heart and I need to lay it down and nail it to the cross with you Jesus. I pray this: instead of bitterness and resentment, I want to believe your Word in Romans 8:28: “We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him. He appointed them to be saved in keeping with his purpose.” You also say in Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know what I have planned for you,’ says the Lord. ‘I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope.”
But frankly, Lord Jesus, my life seems to be one disaster after another and I am ready for those disasters to stop and for breakthroughs to happen because I honestly do not think I can take much more. If you are working to completely break me and take me down to nothing, it is working, because I have nothing left. I need your forgiveness. love and grace. I am sorry for being angry with you. I need you to restore and repair my heart.
Psalm 51:10-12: “God, create a pure heart in me. Give me a new spirit that is faithful to you. Don’t send me away from you. Don’t take your Holy Spirit away from me. Give me back the joy that comes from being saved by you. Give me a spirit that obeys you. That will keep me going.”
Psalm 139:23-24:”God, see what is in my heart. Know what is there. Put me to the test. Know what I’m thinking. See if there’s anything in my life you don’t like. Help me live in the way that is always right.”
Matthew 5:3:”Happy are those who know they are spiritually poor; the Kingdom of heaven belongs to them!”
Have you struggled with anger toward God? How has He changed your heart?
Recently I had a memory from childhood that made me very angry. My mother took my brother and I to the beach. We lived in Seal Beach, California at the time. I was about 6 years old and my brother was about 3. We set up our beach blanket and toys and settled in to have a fun beach day. My brother and I ran down to the water to play. My mother was sitting in her beach chair, basking in the sun. We played for a long time and I looked up toward my mother and she was not there and our stuff was not there either. I got nervous and ran to where we set up our beach paraphilia and sure enough everything was gone. I ran up and down the beach for what seemed like forever, searching frantically for my mother. I finally went back to play with my brother who was building his 3 year old version of a sand castle.
I played with him and helped him build his sand castle for a little longer and then I told him we should go home to find Mom. Miraculously, he agreed. I took him by his little hand and led him home. We lived about a block or two from the beach. When we got there, I found my mother at home and I asked her why she left us at the beach by ourselves. I got an apathetic and blank stare as a response, so I just went to my room to play with my brother. I remember being hurt and angry and wondered why my mother would leave us on the beach when we were so young.
I remember praying and asking God to help us and now I know Jesus showed up for my brother and I. In counseling, I worked through this memory, as Jesus was beckoned to show up. He showed up during a very dark and scary time. As I closed my eyes at first, I could see my mother and me asking her why she left us on the beach. I remember feeling worthless and like I did not matter to my mother. I felt unprotected and thrown away. I can only imagine what my brother felt. He probably felt the same way. Jesus wrapped His arms around me and said, “I was there with you and your brother on the beach, I led you home. You two are the apple of my eye. I love you and gave my life for you. I will never leave or forsake you.”
I immediately felt the peace the surpasses understanding and soon I could only see the loving face of Jesus. Slowly, but surely, healing is taking place in those dark and broken places. Jesus shows up when I need Him. He is always there. All I have to do is whisper His name and He comes, swiftly and softly. He calms the raging storm in my heart and takes away my fear and pain.
Because of Jesus, I am able to forgive my mother for her lack of parental protection. He gives me the power and strength to work through these painful and scary memories. He changes my heart by removing bitterness and anger and replacing those destructive emotions with peace, compassion, kindness and love.
Have you been struggling with painful childhood memories or pain from present experiences? How has Jesus showed up for you?
In Sunday school, we are studying The Invisible War by Chip Ingram. This invisible war is called spiritual warfare.
{Ephesians 6:10-20 says “let the Lord make you strong. Depend on his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor. Then you can stand firm against the devil’s evil plans. Our fight is not against human beings. It is against the rulers, the authorities and the powers of this dark world. It is against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly world. So put on all of God’s armor. Evil days will come. But you will be able to stand up to anything. And after you have done everything you can, you will still be standing. So stand firm. Put the belt of truth around your waist. Put the armor of godliness on your chest. Wear on your feet what will prepare you to tell the good news of peace. Also, pick up the shield of faith. With it you can put out all of the flaming arrows of the evil one. Put on the helmet of salvation. And take the sword of the Holy Spirit. The sword is God’s word. At all times, pray by the power of the Spirit. Pray all kinds of prayers. Be watchful, so that you can pray. Always keep on praying for all of God’s people. Pray also for me. Pray that when I open my mouth, the right words will be given to me. Then I can be bold as I tell the mystery of the good news. Because of the good news, chains are holding me as the Lord’s messenger. So pray that I will be bold as I preach the good news. That’s what I should do.”}
It was mentioned in class about Neil T. Anderson’s Book The Victory Over Darkness because we were given a bookmark with scriptures about our identity in Christ and how the devil can deceive us into believing his lies and that is why we must wash our minds with the Word and thwart his lies with God’s Word. Another one of Anderson’s (2000) works is called The Bondage Breaker and I read it and went through the steps to freedom. Also God works in mysterious ways and He made it so it was one of my textbooks this semester. Going through the steps to freedom was difficult because I got spiritual resistance, but I plunged through them with faith any way. Below is a book review of Anderson’s work that I wrote for one of my classes this semester and I thought it might help someone.
Summary
The basic premise of Anderson’s (2000) theory is that sin is at the forefront of bondage and other mental disorders and the only way to experience true freedom is in Christ Jesus and believing who one is in Him. Anderson (2000) believes, “the father of lies (Satan) can block one’s effectiveness as a Christian if he can deceive one into believing that they are nothing but a product of their past-subject to sin, prone to failure, and controlled by their habits.” (Pp.11)
One scripture Anderson (2000) elaborated on was 1 Corinthians 3:2-3, which says, “The words I spoke to you were like milk, not like solid food. You weren’t ready for solid food yet. And you still aren’t ready for it. You are still following the ways of the world. Some of you are jealous. Some of you argue. So aren’t you following the ways of the world? Aren’t you acting like ordinary human beings?” (Holy Bible, 1996,NIRV, I Cor. 3:2-3,www.biblegateway.com)
This means that there are many Christians walking around today feeling lost and disconnected from God and acting the same as before they met Christ. Satan is deceiving them into believing that they can never change and be free in Christ. Anderson vehemently disagrees with this mindset. He firmly believes that Christians can “resolve personal and spiritual conflicts”, by praying specific scripture prayers and taking those prayers to heart in order to change. (Pp.10)
Anderson (2000) calls these prayers the Steps to Freedom. There are seven steps, which will be described in the following paragraphs. Step one is Counterfeit vs. Real. In this step, a Christian must “renounce (verbally reject) all past or present involvement with occult practices, cult teachings, rituals, and any non-Christian religions.” (Pp. 200)
Step two is Deception vs. Truth. Anderson (2000) says that, “God’s Word is true and we need to accept His truth in the innermost part of our being (Psalm 51:6). Whether or not we feel it is true, we need to believe it is true!” (Pp. 209) We cannot allow our feelings to dictate what we believe, because anything contrary to God’s word is a lie.
Step three is Bitterness vs. Forgiveness. Forgiveness is really a choice and because God forgives us, we must forgive others so that bitterness does not take root. We can be held in bondage if we refuse to forgive others. God made forgiveness for us. Matthew 6:14 says, “Forgive people when they sin against you. If you do, your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you.” (Holy Bible, 1996, NIRV, Matthew 6:14, www.biblegateway.com) Furthermore, Anderson (2000) believes, “we need to forgive others so Satan cannot take advantage of us (2 Cor.2: 10-11).” (Pp. 220)
Step four is Rebellion vs. Submission. According to Anderson (2000), “we live in a rebellious age. Many people only obey laws and authorities when it is convenient for them. There is a general lack of respect for those in government, and Christians are often as guilty as the rest of society in fostering a critical, rebellious spirit.” (Pp.225) In addition, children are watching their parents and following suit, causing them to break the law and create criminal records for themselves. The Bible says we must pray for those in authority and obey the laws of the land. (Romans 13:1-7). (Anderson, 2000)
Furthermore, 2 Timothy 3:1-3 says, “There will be terrible times in the last days. People will love themselves. They will love money. They will brag and be proud. They will tear others down. They will not obey their parents. They won’t be thankful or holy. They won’t love others. They won’t forgive others. They will tell lies about people. They will be out of control. They will be wild. They will hate what is good.” (Holy Bible, 1996, NIRV, 2 Timothy 3:1-3,www.biblegateway.com)
Step five is Pride vs. Humility. When one is prideful, they think that they do not have a problem or need help. People with prideful attitudes say they don’t need God. (Anderson, 2000) In addition, Anderson (2000) says, “ we absolutely need God and we desperately need each other. Proverbs 3:5-7 expresses a similar thought: ‘trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.’” (Holy Bible, 1996, NIRV, Proverbs 3:5-7) (Pp. 228) Someone with a truly humble heart is aware of their need for the Savior Jesus Christ and the counsel of other brothers and sisters of the faith.
Step six is Bondage vs. Freedom. Christians have a nasty habit of sinning and then confessing, without actually repenting or turning away from the sin and then they find themselves in a vicious cycle of sinning and confessing. (Anderson, 2000) In order to maintain true freedom in Christ, it is important that “’one submits to God and resists the devil and he will flee from you.’ We submit to God by confession of sin and repentance (turning away from sin). We resist the devil by rejecting his lies. Instead we walk in the truth and put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20).” (Pp. 232)
And lastly step seven is Curses vs. Blessings. In this step, one would “renounce the sins of their ancestors as well as any curses which may have been placed on them.” (Pp.239) It said in God’s Word that sins follow generations and children suffer the consequences of sin from their parents and grandparents (Exodus 20:4-6). (Anderson, 2000)
Evaluation
The strength in Anderson’s theory is the use of God’s Word in the prayers in each of the steps to freedom. It is a systematic and structured way a person can induce change in their life. He covers everything from pride to adultery in each of the steps to make sure that no leaf remains unturned in regards to repentance and confession.
The prayers are directly out of the bible. From experience, this writer has prayed the word and it has powerful results. When fear is present and attacks from Satan are looming, one phrase from the infallible Word of God makes him flee and fear disappear. Anderson (2000) clearly demonstrates in his work that there is power in praying God’s Word.
However, the weakness that has troubled this writer is that Anderson (2000) seems to say that once a Christian goes through these steps to freedom, the work is done and one is automatically free. This writer must disagree because from experience, that is where the real work of maintaining freedom begins. One must go through these steps on a daily basis and pray God’s Word every day to remain free.A strong truth in Anderson’s (2000) work is that “’one submits to God and resists the devil and he will flee from you.’ We submit to God by confession of sin and repentance (turning away from sin). We resist the devil by rejecting his lies. Instead we walk in the truth and put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20).” (Pp. 232)
Personal Reflection and Application
I went through the steps to freedom on a few occasions and it takes conscious and concerted effort to maintain my freedom because I get spiritual resistance on a daily basis. I must remain in God’s Word and in prayer daily or I will be attacked. In addition, in my experience when one goes through these steps, times get worse before they get better. I came from a tumultuous childhood where chaos was a regular occurrence.
I experienced domestic violence, childhood sexual abuse, abandonment, the death of my mother, and witnessing countless acts of violence and drug use on a daily basis. I have low hanging fruit for Satan to have a field day with me and he has. Today I experience persistent fear of rejection and abandonment by loved ones and I have been diagnosed with PTSD by a mental health professional.
A counselor recently told me that it is like have open third degree burns and when one touches the wounds, it is excruciating and I had to agree. Therefore in maintaining my freedom in Christ, I must daily resist the devils lies that tell me I am worthless and that God doesn’t love me. The steps to freedom do not constitute a magic pill to make everything is okay in the world again. I must believe the truth and the truth does set me free, but I have to do my part by being in the word and praying.
The scripture that comes to mind for me in this instance is Philippians 2:12, “My dear friends, you have always obeyed God. You obeyed while I was with you. And you have obeyed even more while I am not with you. So continue to work out your own salvation. Do it with fear and trembling.” (Holy Bible, 1996,NIRV, Philippians 2:12,www.biblegateway.com)
References
Anderson, N.T. (2000) The bondage breaker. Harvest House Publishers. Eugene, OR.
Holy Bible (1996) 1 Corinthians 3:2-3, Psalm 51:6, Matthew 6:14, 2 Cor.2: 10-11,Romans 13:1-7, 2 Timothy 3:1-3, Proverbs 3:5-7, Ephesians 6:10-20, Exodus 20:4-6, and Philippians 2:12. Biblica, Inc. Retrieved from www.biblegateway.com.
What does Spiritual Warfare mean to you? What battles are you currently struggling with?
Living life with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is like having third degree burn wounds exposed on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis. As a child, the bottom always fell out and the other shoe always dropped without fail. There was never a dull moment and I always had to be on guard, which leads me to be hyper-vigilant today, testing everything everyone says or does. I like to think I have control over this, but I would only be fooling myself and others. The only way to fight this is to be completely honest and transparent with God, giving Him all of my broken and dark places where fear loves to paralyze me.
I can remember one instance where my mom and dad got into a horrible fight. My father hit my mother several times and bloodied up her face pretty good. We had to flee to a neighbor’s house in the middle of the night because he threatened to kill her and blow up the car. We ended up in a hotel room that night.
My household was like a war zone. I had this sense that something could go wrong at any moment, so I had better be a good girl or all hell would break loose. Another time, my uncles were in a fight about drugs or girls or something like that. I watched as they chased each other down the street. I heard that one of them had a gun or other type of weapon to cause bodily harm to the other.
My grandmother tried to break it up and of course she got caught in the cross fire and a wooden pillar fell on her head causing her to need about 20 stitches in her head. I was about 5 when I witnessed this. These memories are so clear; it is as if they happened five minutes ago. I don’t diminish what soldiers go through in combat by any means and they deserve honor in every sense of the word, but I seriously felt as if I was in daily combat on the front lines of war and there was no way out of it.
After my father left, my mother dated men who had a propensity for violence. One had a serious fetish for knives and he looked at me one day with a knife in his hand and said in a very psychotic type of way “this one is for your mommy.”
I don’t write these things to scare people or because I get a kick out of bringing attention to myself. I write it because it is part of my story that God wants me to tell in order to bring the truth to light.
Little girls should not go through the things I went through, but it was allowed for some reason and I have to stand on God’s promise with these very real memories. “We know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love him. He appointed them to be saved in keeping with his purpose.”(Romans 8:28)
The early morning cold was bitter as we waited longingly for our train to the city. Once we got on the train, we were relieved for the warmness. We settled in for the two- hour ride. The train made many stops along the way to the big city. It was interesting to watch the hustle and bustle of activity as people boarded and exited the train. My daughter slept most of the way.
When we reached our destination, it was slightly scary because we had never done this before and we did not really know where we were going, but it was an adventure that we gladly embarked upon. Making our way through the crowds of people at New York Penn Station was a bit overwhelming, but we pushed through with sheer determination.
We mounted the stairs to the city and slowly made our way up. Once we exited the train station doors, I gasped because of the gargantuan buildings, the gigantic crowds of people, and the blaring traffic.
It was a whirlwind of activity. It was amazing! I tilted my head back to look up at the towering buildings above us. We hailed a taxi to Times Square, which was fun. I have only seen that done on television and in reality, it was quite a riveting experience.
The taxi cab driver was friendly and helpful, telling us of the different sites we can see in the enormous and beautiful New York City. I was a woman on a mission, as I made a mental check- list of the places we wanted to visit. At Times Square, we hopped onto a double decker bus and rode for what seemed like an eternity. We hopped off and went to a teeny hole in the wall deli to eat. We had mammoth New York Style Cheese Burgers and French Fries. It was delicious!
We hailed another cab and our next stop was the Empire State Building. Wow! That was one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life. Being on top of The Empire State Building is one thing I will never forget. Saturday must have been a very popular day to visit this famous monument, because it was crawling with people.We squished in the elevators like sardines to get to the top of the observatory.
Once we were there, I was overwhelmed with delight as we looked across the city at Lady Liberty standing proudly with her torch and at the vastness of New York. Taxis below looked like little hot wheel cars and people looked like teeny ants from above. It was simply divine! We were able to get a picture of the famous triangle building that is smack in the middle of New York. I took some deep breaths, drinking it all in. I wanted to burn it in my memory for years to come.
We made our way back down to ground level via the gift shop where we bought some awesome souvenirs, which will have sentimental value. We got some t-shirts, magnets for the fridge, a snow globe, and a key chain.
We hailed our next cab to Central Park Zoo. We saw animals of every species. Sea Lions, Snow Leopards, reptiles, monkeys, every type of bird you can imagine, and even a cow! My daughter loved this because she loves animals. Her favorite was the snow leopards. Being at Central Park was slightly eerie because I hear so much about it on Television and we were actually there! We loved it!
After looking at the precious animals for quite a while to rest our aching feet, we summoned a cab to FAO Schwartz, the gigantic two- story toy store with the Big Piano. It was so much fun. There were tons of people in the store and wall -to -wall toys! We bought my grandson a fire truck and a plush New York taxi. My daughter found a cool yoyo and tennis like game.
We hit Star Bucks for a caffeine boost and then our last stop before heading back to the train was the Freedom Tower. It was spine chilling to be there where all the heartbreak of 9/11 happened. I said a silent prayer as I walked around the ghostly site. This was one of the most enjoyable and wonderfully strenuous days we have had and when we got home off the train, we slept like rocks until the next morning.
Crushing Betrayal
December 16, 2007, is a day which will be burned in my memory for years to come. The twinkling of lights and brightly colored packages indicated that the Christmas season was swiftly approaching, and my former husband was working at a Christmas tree stand. I had to work as well, so our kids had to tag along with him on occasion. That day, I picked him up from the Christmas tree stand, and we made the journey home.
When we arrived home, I began to fix supper. I instructed my daughter to go take a bath. When she was finished, she requested help with her pajamas. My former spouse insisted he would help her, which I thought was sweet, so I smiled at him with gratitude.
Suddenly, while standing over the stove, I felt a torrential grip on my heart. I heard the audible voice of the Holy Spirit say to me, “Go check on your daughter!”
It was eerily quiet, so I walked to the back of the apartment and pushed open the bedroom door. I saw the most shocking thing I could imagine. I caught my husband, sexually abusing our seven year-old-daughter. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. Anger, sadness and disgust filled my head and heart. The man I had built a life with and had been married to for 15 years flushed our family down the toilet in a matter of minutes. Right then, our entire world burst into a million pieces. The betrayal I felt was crushing.
I told my daughter to get up and get dressed immediately. She hurried to dress and rushed out to the living room with me. I carried on yelling at my now former husband. He looked smug. My last words to him were, “What the hell are you doing?” I could not speak to him any longer because I was hot with anger. I walked away. If it wasn’t for the gripping hand of the Almighty God holding me back, I think I would have committed a heinous crime that night. The kids and I were exhausted, and we fell into bed, holding each other tight.
Picking up the Pieces
With the Holy Spirit as my guide and strength, I got up the next morning, sent the kids to school, and went to work. I was a driven woman. My desire was for my ex-husband to think that everything was back to normal. Little did he know, he was about to get a rude awakening. In secret, I took my daughter off the bus after school and took her to the pediatrician. I described what I saw to the doctor in explicit detail, and he reported it to the police and CPS, but he did not examine her.
While the nurse kept an eye on my daughter, I had to tell my boys what I saw, which was heartbreaking. At that point, the flood gates opened. I just couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. I sobbed for what seemed like hours. That was the only night in my life I have ever had high blood pressure. After embracing my sons, I gained my composure and contacted my church family and my brother. They put us up in a luxury hotel room for the night. The police escorted us to our room. God was with us every step of the way. I felt Him so close to us in the midst of this devastation.
The following day, I had to take my little girl to get an exam at a local hospital for sexual assault. The examination indicated evidence of abuse. I was deeply disturbed. We had to stay with friends for a couple of weeks while my apartment was cleaned out and combed for more evidence, and my former husband was arrested. We then requested and received a protective order from family court.
Wrecked with Sorrow
The aftermath of this experience was horrendous for my children. My boys became exceedingly defiant – especially my youngest son. He stayed out till the wee hours of the morning and experimented heavily with drugs and alcohol. I had to involve the police on several occasions. Even after going to family and trauma counseling, I had to send my youngest son to a mental health facility for teens. He was gone for six months. It was one of the toughest things I have ever had to do as a parent.
My eldest son spent most of his time with his girlfriend. He didn’t want to come home. In addition, my daughter was struggling with anxiety and full-blown meltdowns. She became frustrated over the simplest issues and had severe problems at school. She wouldn’t go anywhere by herself. We were in trauma therapy for 18 months; we had countless court dates and numerous interviews with the prosecution team. The weight of all of this was overwhelming.
In the midst of all the chaos, my Lord and Savior Jesus became my joy and strength. He continued to protect my children and me. He provided food, shelter, money and clothing countless times for us. I prayed every day. I strongly believe it was the closest I have ever been to God.
The Lord gave me the strength to end my 15-year marriage legally and to obtain my BA in 2008. All of this time, I knew through prayer, seeking God and wise counsel, I should use my experiences to help others. After much more prayer, in August of 2008, I enrolled in a graduate program to obtain a counseling degree. During my second semester, I met a friend in class while completing a project on child abuse. My friend lives in Huntsville, and I shared my story with her.
Deceit and Departure
After hearing about all we had been through, she asked if we would consider moving to Huntsville. I made a tentative plan to move in a year because we did not have the money to move. So I began to pray fervently, and my friend prayed with me. During the next few months, I realized my upstairs neighbor was passing on messages to my children from their father. He was let out of jail on bail pending further investigation.
I contacted the authorities, and asked child protective services for help. I applied for victim’s assistance compensation for my daughter which allowed us to have, by the grace of God, the exact amount of money we needed to move. CPS legal aide and a few others pooled money together to get us airfare. After selling most of our possessions, six weeks later we landed in Huntsville.
Mending the Brokenness
My church family gave us enough money for our first months’ rent, and our new home was located in a nice suburban neighborhood. Since all this has happened, Jesus has taken my heart and totally changed it despite the evil we have seen and experienced. I make up my mind to forgive my former husband every single day and to forgive myself too. Jesus gives me the strength to do it.
God has shown me His mighty and powerful Hand. He has surrounded us with His love. Since moving to Huntsville, my ex-husband has been convicted and remains incarcerated. My sons have grown into great young men, and they live on their own now. One is married with a child, and he is a manager of a local fast food restaurant. The other is on his journey to the Lord. And my precious daughter has fully dedicated her life to the Lord. I have graduated with my master’s in Marriage and Family Therapy, and God gave me a second chance at love. I married the love of my life in 2011.
The Bible verse I cling to is Isaiah 41:10: “So do not be afraid. I am with you. Do not be terrified. I am your God. I will make you strong and help you. My powerful right hand will take good care of you. I always do what is right.”(www.biblegateway.com)
I had an experience this afternoon that made me feel hurt. My husband and I were out to get some sandwiches to eat during our study session. Half kidding, he says that we should just make “this” our date, instead of going out on a real date to save money. I am all for saving money and we have started the 52 -week money saving challenge where we add a dollar of savings each week. We are off to a good start too.
When he said that I felt hurt because it seemed to me that he did not value investing in our relationship very much. I must confess that my reaction was bad. I parked the car in the parking lot and walked away. Of course he came after me because he does love me and I told him off. As I was living this experience, I heard the Holy Spirit say to my heart that I could choose a better reaction. He was giving me the grace to choose to forgive and react with grace toward my husband, which he so often does toward me. This of course softened my heart and I just cried.
My husband embraced me and told me he loves me and of course he wants to date me. I had to remind him that we are saving money and making the effort to do so by doing the money saving challenge and it is also an investment in our marriage to date each other. Of course he agreed and told me that what he said was a “foot in the mouth” moment. We forgave each other and went on to get our food.
I have to say that it was really hard not to let my husband have a piece of my mind, but it is true that Jesus gives us the grace to choose to react in love instead of letting our loved ones have a tongue lashing. I have been reading in God’s Word lately how powerful our words can be. Our tongue can build some one up and encourage or it can tear them apart. I would love to say that I lean to encouraging more than I give people a piece of my mind, but God is still working on my heart in that area. It is a weakness of mine. I become frustrated and unglued with some one does or says something that is not great in my opinion. But in all reality, it just my opinion and loving others is far more important than my opinion. God is opening the eyes to my heart to that truth.
Some Biblical Truths that come to mind from Gods Word:
Psalm 141:3 “Lord, guard my mouth. Keep watch over the door of my lips.”
Psalm 51:10 “God, create a pure heart in me. Give me a new spirit that is faithful to you.”
Psalm 139:23-24 “God, see what is in my heart. Know what is there. Put me to the test. Know what I’m thinking. See if there’s anything in my life you don’t like. Help me live in the way that is always right.”
Psalm 19:14 “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.”
Prayer: Lord please help me choose responses and reactions that are pleasing to you. I don’t want to hurt people. I want to love as you love. I need your grace as I choose what you would have me do in conflict.
Have you ever experienced rejection before? I have. It started with my biological father. He obviously didn’t want to be my father because he ran away. Relatives tell me that he had a drug problem and he ran to save his life. Others say he had an affair with some other woman, now I supposedly have a half brother I do not even know. I have asked the question many times: what did I do so badly as a child that made him leave? I have struggled with rejection all of my life. It has plagued most of my relationships as an adult. It is hard for me to trust anyone and I tend to run when someone tries to get close to me because of the fear of rejection.
However I found out something profound, when I began a relationship with Jesus Christ. He was rejected and many still reject him today. Jesus knows first hand how I feel. He knows how we all feel. He was born and some of his family members did not even accept him. Then I thought further, in God’s infinite grace, he became man so he could know us intimately. Jesus came and he was mocked, scorned, opposed, tortured, rejected, and laughed at. You name it, He went through it, in our place. So knowing this has brought me to the conclusion that it does not matter who rejects me.
Despite my failures and my spiritual poverty; God accepts me. Jesus, the King of the Universe, accepts me. You see it really isn’t a problem that I must take upon myself if someone rejects me. If the whole world rejected me and I just had Jesus, I would have all I need in Him. Ideally, God wants us to love each other, do life together, hold each other accountable and enjoy relationships with one another. However, we cannot force anyone to like us or want a relationship with us. That is why we must seek to please God instead of people. We must be more concerned with what God says about us, rather than what people say about us. Ultimately, what God thinks, is all that matters because He is so good. I can be free in Christ because He loves me.
I didn’t do anything wrong to cause my biological father to leave. It was his choice and I have to allow him to own his choices and let God deal with him, because frankly God does a way better job at dealing with that than I do. I have a Father who dearly loves me. It is God and He sent Jesus to give everyone and me life. Wow! I am the daughter of the Creator of the Universe! The Most High God! It does not matter who rejects me this side of heaven, because He doesn’t! God doesn’t reject you either! We are His precious children, the apple of His eye, and His most prized possession because we are made in His image. Isn’t that the most amazing thing you have ever discovered? It sure is to me!
Here are some truths found in God’s Word that have spoke to my heart and I hope they speak to you too!
Genesis 1:27 – God created man in His own likeness. He created him in the likeness of God. He created them as male and female.
John 6:64-67 Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe. And he had known who was going to hand him over to his enemies. So he continued speaking. He said, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father helps him.” From this time on, many of his disciples turned back. They no longer followed him. “You don’t want to leave also, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.
John 1:11 He came to what was his own. But his own people did not accept him.
Mark 6:1-6 He went away from there and came to his hometown, and his disciples followed him. And on the Sabbath he began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were astonished, saying, “Where did this man get these things? What is the wisdom given to him? How are such mighty works done by his hands? Is not this the carpenter, the son of Mary and brother of James and Joses and Judas and Simon? And are not his sisters here with us?” And they took offense at him. And Jesus said to them, “A prophet is not without honor, except in his hometown and among his relatives and in his own household.” And he could do no mighty work there, except that he laid his hands on a few sick people and healed them.
Luke 4:16-30 Jesus went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up. On the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue as he usually did. And he stood up to read.The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. He unrolled it and found the right place. There it is written, “The Spirit of the Lord is on me. He has anointed me to tell the good news to poor people. He has sent me to announce freedom for prisoners. He has sent me so that the blind will see again. He wants me to free those who are beaten down. And he has sent me to announce the year when he will set his people free.”(Isaiah 61:1,2)Then Jesus rolled up the scroll. He gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were staring at him. He began by saying to them, “Today this passage of Scripture is coming true as you listen.” Everyone said good things about him. They were amazed at the gracious words they heard from his lips. “Isn’t this Joseph’s son?” they asked. Jesus said, “Here is a saying you will certainly apply to me. ‘Doctor, heal yourself! Do the things here in your hometown that we heard you did in Capernaum.’” “What I’m about to tell you is true,” he continued. “A prophet is not accepted in his hometown. I tell you for sure that there were many widows in Israel in the days of Elijah. And there had been no rain for three and a half years. There wasn’t enough food to eat anywhere in the land. But Elijah was not sent to any of those widows. Instead, he was sent to a widow in Zarephath near Sidon. And there were many in Israel who had skin diseases in the days of Elisha the prophet. But not one of them was healed except Naaman the Syrian. ”All the people in the synagogue were very angry when they heard that. They got up and ran Jesus out of town. They took him to the edge of the hill on which the town was built. They planned to throw him down the cliff. But Jesus walked right through the crowd and went on his way.
John 16:32-33 “But a time is coming when you will be scattered and go to your own homes. In fact, that time is already here. You will leave me all alone. But I am not really alone. My Father is with me. “I have told you these things, so that you can have peace because of me. In this world you will have trouble. But cheer up! I have won the battle over the world.”
Sources:
Holy Bible (1996-2011) Genesis 1:27, John 6:64-67, John 1:11, Mark 6:1-6, Luke 4:16-30, Isaiah 61:1-2, and John 16:32-33. Retrieve January 11th 2014 from www.biblegateway.com.
God told me to write my story some time ago. I have resisted for quite some time mainly because of fear and figuring out how to put words that make sense to paper. Words that will tell God’s story and help people.
The first step in my journey was to talk to someone who is on the same journey to get some perspective and some practical advice. I have done that and now I am going to read the book that was recommended. I bought the book on my kindle reader, it is called You are a Writer Start Acting Like One by Jeff Goins.
I have so many experiences to write about and now I am trying to decide which one to start with. So I am going to pray for discernment and just write and pray over what I write and then pray some more. I have been writing my school papers for 12 years. I was told in high school, after getting my grade back for a book report on Little Women, that I should be a writer.
One step in the right direction was to start this blog. And now to be consistent on posting for my readers, I must pray about what content to put in the blog. I want this blog to inspire people and to get people to think in a way that honors God. There may be some controversial topics that I write about, but please know that I will honor God first and respect my readers. I will also be taking advantage of a writing training program to help me along. God wants to tell His message through me. I must obey, despite resistance.
It has been quite a year! I have to say I have been tested time and time again. I landed a job that I thought would be permanent, but due to some depression, anxiety, and a leg injury, I lost it. I had plans piled high after I completed my Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy.
I figured I would graduate and get a job in the field I poured my heart into for 4 years. Boy, was I wrong! It is hard when your expectation doesn’t match your experience. I guess you could call it my rude awakening, an attitude adjustment, a wake up call. I thought I would have this comfortable little life as a therapist for some counseling firm here in town, but my Father God had different plans for me.
I have been walking through what you might call a character building refiners fire created by my Savior and Lord Jesus. My very sweet and gracious husband has been along for the ride. I am quite surprised that he has not run for the hills! I told him that he either really, really loves me with the love of God, or he is a gluten for punishment. He says he loves me. I am figuring that out and starting to believe him more and more each day. I have heard all the sayings like ” if God brings you too it, He will bring you through it”, but it that just sounded absurd to me at first.
Then I finally started to accept where He had me. I was coming to the end of myself and the only way to look was up. Boy am I stubborn! Unexpectedly, however, joyfully, I have become a homeschooling, stay at home mother after 15 plus years of working outside the home as a single mother. Now I have a husband who graciously and lovingly gets up at 330 am five days a week to go to work and financially support my daughter and I. I have to admit that this is a very difficult position to be in because I am not used to this.
God has also given me the opportunity to volunteer at a Christian based crisis pregnancy center as a counselor!!!! My Lord Jesus is taking me through the humble way of getting to my “dream job”. I am finally and slowly realizing that My Jesus is not so concerned with my comfort and my way of doing things. Thank you Jesus for being so patient with me! As I slowly surrender to His will and lay my will down at His feet, I am seeing that His will is so much better than mine.
I do not know what the future holds, but I know my faith is growing. There are days when my faith is small and my doubts over take me, but I must remind myself of Jeremiah 29:11 ” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I must rest in this promise of My Lord and Savior and trust that He ALWAYS knows best. My Jesus also sent me my Doug to show me His grace and help me see that even when I act bad, I am still loved and I am forgiven when I genuinely and contritely apologize and turn away from my sin. Jesus has me even in my failures.
Beautifully Broken 